Exasperation.

Have you ever been exasperated? When I first thought about this question it took me back to my freshman year of basketball. Coach Albertson thought he was Bobby Knight I guess. I remember clearly what exasperation felt like that season. We were freshmen so we got the 6:00 AM practice slot. He'd often get frustrated (sometimes rightfully so, sometimes it was because he was grumpy) with us and make us run what they call "suicides" (you run from baseline to free throw line and back then to half court and back and then the other free throw line and back and then baseline to baseline). Everyone hated those. He'd tell us we all had to run one in a set amount of time (I can't remember how many seconds). If we didn't make it, we'd have to do another one and so on until we all made it under the set amount of time. 

I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but logic tells me that if we are all exhausted from the first one and cannot make it in the designated time, repeating the activity expecting a different result is to do so in vain. Coach would be stomping around all mad screaming and cursing at us, throwing basketballs at us, completely out of control. I, along with all my teammates, wanted to make the run under the allowed time, but it was impossible. Exasperation! It's that feeling when there is no way to win in a situation no matter the circumstances or what you do. So when I think about exasperation, that's what comes to my mind. 

I read this article recently called The Important Thing About Yelling on the Hands Free Mama blog (don't judge me). It's really been eating at me. It hurts to write what I am about to write, but I have exasperated my children more than I care to admit. 

I don't know what it is, because if you know me, it is completely out of character for me. Somehow with my children, whom I love only a little less than my wife, I turn into Coach Albertson. I am not an angry person, I generally go with the flow on things. But when it comes to those two sweet children that God has blessed us with, I can turn into a monster. Not even over big things...I can "lose it" if my son would rather cry over spilling his Kool-Aid than clean it up, if my daughter refuses to do what we ask, if I have to stand in the doorway just to ensure that they are getting dressed so we can make it out the door on time, you know, the exact same things I did when I was 3 and 5. 

Why is it that this monster inside me comes out on them. I shutter at the thought of them being afraid of me. I want to model patience for them, but why do they have to try it so much?

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4 (NIV) 

Initially, as I read this passage, I saw the answer to my problems. They aren't doing their part (obeying), so therefore I can justify exasperating them! Nah...that can't be it. 

How do I create an atmosphere for them to receive instruction in the Lord and not equate God with a yelling dad? Simple answer...stop yelling, but you and I know it's not as easy as that. I don't want my kids to live in a house with a constant fear that the Coach Albertson in me might come out at any moment, at any honest mistake. 

I guess I have been reminded over the last couple of weeks that I must remember a few things:

1. I was a completely obnoxious child. I cannot imagine raising me. (Sorry Mom and Dad)
2. I spilled things, I broke things, I stalled, I played when I was supposed to sleep, you get the drill. These things are actually important to the development of healthy life skills. If I will use these as opportunities to teach them table etiquette,  being aware of their surroundings, and time management instead of spilling out the frustrations of my day on them, they might learn how to be healthy self-sufficient adults (of which we need more).
3. Finally, I am learning to keep things in perspective by more fully appreciating my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know it sounds cliche, but stick with me here. If He were to pour out wrath every time I disappointed Him, frustrated Him, disobeyed Him...I'd be a dead man walking, if I were walking at all. Yet when I fail, He picks me up. When I disobey, He forgives. 

Maybe therein lies the answer. When I am in sync with God, I more accurately reflect Him. My prayer is that I would be an as-close-as-humanly-possible reflection of their Heavenly Father during my time with them on this earth. Oh...there will be discipline, but may it come from a desire for them to love and honor God with their lives and not from anger or frustrations that, deep down, have absolutely nothing to do with them. 



**Parenting is tough work. It can be easy to be frustrated and feel like you're the worst parent ever. Don't worry you're not. Mark your calendar for our class in August called Parenting Beyond Your Capacity - you can read more about it here.